How We’re Received Shapes How We Relate: Understanding Attachment Styles
Have you ever wondered why you pull away when things get too close, or why you cling tighter, afraid of being left behind? Why do some relationships feel grounding while others leave you anxious or unsure? The answer may lie in something called your attachment style, which begins with how you were received by others, especially early in life.
What Is an Attachment Style?
Your attachment style is the way you relate to others in close relationships, how you connect, how safe or anxious you feel, how much you trust, and how you respond when you're hurt or afraid. It’s not something you’re born with. Rather, it develops based on your experiences, particularly with your caregivers in childhood, and later through other important relationships.
It's All About How We’re Received
As human beings, we’re wired for connection. From the moment we’re born, we reach for others—not just for food or protection, but to be seen, soothed, and understood. When a caregiver consistently responds with warmth, presence, and attunement, when we’re received with safety and care, our nervous system learns that connection is safe. We develop what’s known as a secure attachment style.
But when those responses are inconsistent, misattuned, overwhelming, or absent altogether, our system adapts. We learn that love might require vigilance, distance, over-functioning, or self-silencing. Over time, these adaptations become attachment patterns, like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized styles. They're not flaws or diagnoses; they’re strategies that helped us survive emotionally when safety in connection wasn’t guaranteed.
The Subtle Messages That Shape Us
Sometimes it’s not about outright abuse or neglect. It can be more subtle: a parent who is physically present but emotionally distant. A caregiver who only pays attention when you're achieving. A loved one who’s warm one moment and withdrawn the next. In these environments, we start to internalize unconscious messages about what we must do, or suppress, to stay connected.
These early experiences teach us:
Is it safe to reach out when I’m in distress?
Do others respond to my needs with care or criticism?
Is closeness comforting—or overwhelming?
Will I be abandoned if I show my true feelings?
The answers we receive become templates for how we show up in relationships throughout life.
Attachment Can Change
The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. While they’re shaped by how we were received, they can be reshaped by new experiences, especially in relationships that feel safe, responsive, and emotionally attuned. This can happen with a trusted partner, a friend, or within the therapeutic relationship.
Healing begins when we are received differently. When we are met with curiosity instead of judgment. When we’re allowed to take up space, have needs, set boundaries, and be loved not in spite of, but because of our full, authentic selves.
You Are Not “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
If your attachment style has made relationships hard, please know: your patterns make sense. They were formed in response to the way you were met, not because something is wrong with you. Underneath those protective strategies is a deep longing to connect—and the capacity to do so.
Ready to Explore Your Attachment Style?
Relationship Therapy offers a space to safely explore the roots of your attachment patterns and begin reshaping them from the inside out. If you’re curious about how your past may be shaping your present relationships, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Reach out for a free consultation, and let’s begin
